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Sometimes I feel better after cutting but most of the time I rip myself to shreds for cutting. when I know I shouldn't. But still I do it. If I wanted to die (and I don't) I'd OD. But cutting makes the pain go away. I always just cut and did the life spots. I never knew it was anything. I read a book once called Women Who Hurt Themselves by Dusty Miller. I then started looking at sites on the web, and I quickly realized that I was not alone. I was 11 the first time I cut my finger. I was just sitting alone in my room and using an xacto knife. I slid it across my finger and watched the blood well out. Afterwards I felt somewhat better and that's when it started. Soon I was cutting whenever I felt stressed. I never cut enough to need stitches; scars may only be darkened lines but atleast they are easy to hide. I've been able to stop it. But when I go under emotional pain then I feel the need to cut again. Sometimes its just the need for punishment. A punishment for when I was young.... when I wanted love so bad that I even accepted my uncle's brand of it. One counselor told me that my cutting was just a way to seek attention. And the fact that I did it would just lead my friends and loved ones from leaving me and my "disgusting habits." I dropped him soon after that. A GOOD therapist tries to help... not tear you down more. I'm looking for a new therapist once again. And I haven't cut in a few months. But don't get me wrong.... i have the Want to cut in me every day. Sometimes though, I just don't. |
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