Margaret\new page\poetry

This is a listing of several of the poems that i have written. I want to warn all of you now. That all of these poems are very intense with intense subjects such as abuse, suicide, self-injury, rape. Please be aware that these poems may be a trigger to some. If you feel you may not be able to read these, please click here, to return to the previous page.

Night Terrors
there is no life
not here, not there
nowhere...
there is only thoughts and memories
hiding times and laughing
hurts and pains and tears
there is laughter under your skin
but pain under mine
i peel the flesh away
like when you enter me at night
your hands stealing under the covers
i cant scream, its not allowed
i cant run... not with your weight on me
i can lie there and take it
praying it will stop
and you will go away
and when you are gone...
i am left with the stickiness of your love
and i pinch myself till i
cry tears of blood
and still i can sense you.
your presence is with me
your thoughts invade me
like your hands...
will it ever stop?

Ode to E1
there is life out there
in all the whispers
and all the cries..
and if i ignore you
telling you to leave me alone
it is not out of hate
but for my own self-preservation
but you still ignore my wishes
instead.. you hope to bend me
to your wishes.. to your will.
i cannot disable you...
you use your powers to over-ride my wishes...
I ask you to leave me alone...
but you do not listen...
your words grace my screen
in blips of red...
they fall on my screen like drops of blood...

as i hold the blade in my hands and they shake
i look at my wrists, see the scars...
and i see your words...
i see you calling me a liar...
and i know i must cut...
to add my blood to your words
only then will the punishment cease..
only then will i be alone...

Blood
its the pain that causes the hurt
the words you speak
the sounds that never escape
this is what hurts...

and when i cannot breath..
when the pain becomes to great...
the numbness begins...

i look at the blade
lying there,
glittering in the darkness..
it brings me hope
it may end the pain...

but it may also bring more
tonight the want is there
the want.. the hurt to be opened

as blade slices flesh..
and blood drips slowly down my arm
I am reminded of why i do this...
why.. i cause pain to replace emotional pain.
and although... it makes no sense to you
it does to me, and the ones like me.

the blood dripping is like the pain that is allowed
to slowly ebb away from my body...
perhaps as the flow lessens, the pain will as well

tonight, scars will be less
at least the physical ones...
9/19/97 4:15am

Eldritch Tree
Eldritch trees from the freezing sky hide me
A moonlight drenched clearing offers you to me
Alas! Sweet love you no longer breathe
And the moon is reflected in crimson relief.

I've been convicted, it seems, by the unseemly court
My sentence, cruel sentence- an eternity of grief.

From the wounds inflicted in his soul
Love poured forth upon his prison
Which had become his only link to her.

The Gods Awaken
Spider webs of incandescent light beams
down on an over-ripe world of dreams
which inhabits the minds of gods and seems
to take on life and breathe...
    Only to fade discreetly away
    Like shadows at the flowing
    Encroachment of day-
    The gods awaken.

I am Dead
I am dead
cant you see me?
here, there, by the grave
I am dead.
but my heart still beats
my blood still flows
and my tears still fall
I am dead.
screams still echo in my silent ears
and the liquid still is tasted
and if i bite me teeth will grind...
I am dead.
the storms still wise
the waves still crash
the yelling is still heard
I am dead.
when will i leave?
will my bones crumble
will the ground still cover me?
will you speak for me?
I am dead.
digging has begun
coffins have been cleaned
funeral pyres lit
but, will they bury me?
i live here
i still breathe
I am dead.
when will the paradox end?
June 19, 1996 10:55pm

Sharks
im awake again... here
waiting for what must come...
hearts can stop.
they can stop beating in a second
and mine has sometimes...
tonight, however, i am alive
but it is a lie.
I am not alive.... the breath moves
eyes blink.... sight unseen moves
but I am dead. not dying. that has happened long ago
its anniversary time.
a time of unrest
of no sleep
ill sleep when im dead
but im dead now
but still i do not sleep
can i awaken?
drifting to and fro like trash on a wave
and if sharks eat me...
will i still exist
perhaps,
perhaps not...
maybe just in the mind of the shark.
1/22/97 1:49am

I die?
you created me...
of flesh and blood and tears
you showed me your ways...
ripping me apart
gore dripping from your hands from your mouth
as you eat my flesh, my innocence
you rape me with your words
not saving me from harm
i cower... cry....
and you laugh....
you gut me... ripping me to shreds
in your haste to own me.
i am nothing but bones
but still you use me
i want only to live.
but you laugh....
and as you eat my soul...
I know, i die.
1/25/97 2:43am

Sometimes
sometimes i look at the wall
sometimes it stares back at me..
a million faces...

sometimes i sit and think
staring at the faces
wondering if they think about me
sometimes i am scared...

when i see the faces everywhere....
i wonder about my own sanity
if they speak to me...
can i answer back?

they are starring at me
toothless and old
young and lifelike
with no soul

is that what they search for..
my soul...
yours...

speak to me when i feel as if my ears are bleeding
slip your tongue into the veins
drinking my life's blood
drink me
starring with soulless eyes..
into nothingness...

the yelling begins
screams of hurt pounding in my head
taking me back to the days of childhood
the pain in my chest
telling me not to get too close
and yet i want peace...

i look for peace....
places and people to talk with...
feelings to share-

running away is safer sometimes..
for me and for those who are involved...

my soul hurts
i wish it could cry the pain out
but i fear...
there would be nothing left.
Aug. 5 1997

Beginning of Your Trilogy

I
What is the use in hoping?
Hope is a chain bolted
To the immovable boulder-
Despair

Here I sat for what-
A thousand Years (tears)?
Tethered

While you flitted free
Taunting me
With your ease of (emotion) motion.

Now the chain is rusted and I sit
Upon the boulder waiting for it
To disintegrate- to free me
While I nurse my Hate to break the chain.

Once and forever.

But Now here you come.
Ethereal, tempting, so close
And the rust flakes off like powder
To show the shining binding blinding Chain beneath.

And I look at the key, which
I've held all (alone) along
Maybe
Someday
I'll use it.

II
I want to drink the thrilling spirit
of love from your tender lips-
an end to my lonely longing for you
can be found in your breath
breathing softly against my lips.

I want to find courage and strength
in your comforting embrace-
an end to mt lonely longing for you
can be found in your arms
encircling my body, my soul.

I want to hear you speak to me
telling mw you love me too-
an end to my lonely longing or you
can be found in your voice
telling me you love me too.

III
If only-
My inner landscape wasn't so deserted
A desert
And yours wasn't so mountainous
Unscaleable.

If only-
I didn't worship the moon and dwell
in night
And you didn't live in the sun and light

If only-
I didn't live for Death
for Dying
And you didn't live Life so carefree

If only-
I didn't think I loved you so much
SO much
And you would pretend you loved me
A little.

Screams
it no longer hurts-
your words,
your looks,
your touch...
i am past all that
i am beyond the pettiness
beyond the lies-
i welcome your opinions
i beg for the violence
i worship you
the blood, you bring from my flesh
the bruises that appear on my skin...
you scream that you love me-
that you hate me-
that i make you sick.
and i cower in fear-
running away-
but i always come back
for your anger
for your love...
for, all this, makes me real
1/27/95

wandering winds of dissonance
secretive scenes in dreams
vagabonds taking sustenance
stealing from moonlit dreams

Wolf Song
i can listen to you howl at the moon
the wolf song deep in my mind..
but you won't let me help you...
blaming me for my short-comings, my insecurities..

i want to flee this land....
run from it before it burns me
but its too late.
the scars have been opened.

my heart is torn....
like the deepest blood moon
and as watch the moon in the sky...
i add to its richness...

like the life's blood dripping from my body
Addis its own life to that which has been taken from you
my apology will make no difference in your state
this i am aware of...

i would give my life for your own...
take any pain you may feel
to keep you....

but, alas, i feel it has come to late
you have howled your last howl...
and i feel.. so have i.
7/17/97

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