There is much that has happened to me that shapes the person I am today.  I am the youngest in my family.... The baby... this was both a good thing and a bad thing.  My father thought it would keep me from making the same mistakes that my brother made....  sadly, i still made some of the same ones.  But I learned from them as did he. I was 10 the first time i ever tried to kill myself.  I drank household bleach.  My mother knew what my intentions were but everyone else was blind.  People see only what they want to, and even then, they hide from it at times.  I never got any help for my depression when I was younger... I was quiet kid, who didn't have many friends.... who ate her way into happiness sometimes. I listened to everyone's thoughts about how I was a fat dumpy ugly little girl.... I never thought I cared.... but I did.  I was constantly thinking about suicide.... writing poetry about it..... I wanted to die.  It hurt to live my life.... and I lied alot growing up.  To my family, my friends and especially to myself.  That has since changed. 
There are other things that happened.... too many spankings, too many hits.. I wasn't the perfection my father wanted.... there were other issues in my life as well, things i am not ready to talk about.  We moved around a lot while i was growing up..... too many different schools... never one place feeling like home. 
I started writing to Piers Anthony in Feb. 1988.  Writing to him about my feelings of despair, telling him things I had never told anyone.  And he listened where others just walked away.. or might have if I had trusted someone else. I still write to him some.... when times get too bad. I'm a "cutter" and when times get tough, I take the pain out on my wrists.... slices of skin for punishment and for pain.  
I was date raped in Fall 1994, my father blames me for it because I was stupid.. and way too trusting.... and he is right.... I wanted to believe that someone found my beautiful, that someone wanted to go out with me.  I was stupid.  I never told anyone, and when i did finally want to come forward it was too late.  I met this guy off the local server at KSC where i was a Senior.  My life fell apart after the rape, all the things that I had once been able to keep hidden in my life suddenly threatened to be let out of the nice neat box where it had been stored.  Mistakes were made. I finally, started to see a counselor then though... was taking anti-depressants then too.... talking about my past grief when my mother died, of the rape, of my fear of my father.. or wanting to cut myself, of wanting to die. 
I did finally graduate.... I met another wonderful man off a bbs called brinta and we fell in love.  We are married now. My father and I barely talk.  Much has happened....  I attempted suicide again in 1996.  But I realized then that I DO want to live. I came to turns with much of my past while living with my husband.... I deal with my depression and my cutting behavior as much as i am able to. I deal with the abuse in my past... with my dissocaitive disorder, my PTSD, and my life the best way I know how and often just one day at a time. 
My husband helped me come to turns about my bisexuality.  He has supported me and helped me to grow.  And i love him for it more every day. He also supports my beliefs in a Goddess.... he has grown and learned much himself... I am better having known him.... I hope he feels the same way... I know he loves me.... as I know he knows how much I love him. I am a prime example of the power of healing that can happen.  Please do not give up..... if you wait and learn and grow.... the healing can happen for you as well. 

If you would like to talk with me more..... please feel free to mail me..... especially if you need helping finding a site on the Net or the Web. 

Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook