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Want to join the Survivor's Line Around the World?
I am a survivor. I am on my way to healing... from my diagnosis, and from life. I write and I draw and it helps. There are some wonderful links to Survivor resources out there.... one of them is my friend MollyKats's homepage... there is a link here to that.
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I do what I need to do to cope. I have been suicidal and sometimes I still think about it. if but Briefly. I also have the tendency to self-mutilate a bit. I personally cut. My wrists, my arms my stomach. Whatever is handy. But others burn or something else.
What I do to survive may not be for everyone.... it is what I do. it is what I have to do to remain sane, to live.... and I do want to live. I do want to share a few poems with you. They are very personal and very painful. But I still want to share them with everyone. I am beginning to heal..... I write poetry and stories.... and this helps me to continue healing.... I want to share these with you..... they are raw honesty and maybe a bit painful.
I would also like to share some more personal information about my pain. But I warn you now, that this could be quite triggering to some people. There is also a page with more poetry on it.
Warning: these might be painful, so if you can not deal with this right now, click here now
as I sit here I think about what I know and what I have been told and sometimes the two don't match up. But I want it to, so very very much. I want to be able to put the past behind me but I wonder if I ever will.
I cry at night hoping you won't hear
for I cry for the pain for the heartache
that I have I hear the voices and I see
the hatred and the love and especially
the lust and I feel the dull ache
inside and I know that I am lost
to it. Lost to the feelings that I have
lost to the sensations and lost to the
past......
if I close my eyes when I feel you
rape me... if I will my soul from
its earthly place to soar among the
clouds will it save me.... keeping
me safe or will it open myself even
wider to your hateful words,
accusations and actions.....
if I cut myself and sit back to watch as the blood flows freely from the wound and I accept the pain it causes because it is of a physical nature and easier to handle than the emotional kind, can I begin to see the memories or just drown in them.....
the song is playing....
"here I am on the road again....
here I go... there I go, Turn the page."
the smell of roses waft through the apartment but it isnt real...
it masks the odor of life and the futality of it...
and the sound of tapping on the keyboard keeps me grounded.... stuck on this plane...
even though I wish it were not so....
and yet, I look at my body, wondering what it
is you see in me... the scars are visible even at night... and
I see the pain in your eyes and in the
words you do not speak..
but... alas, I still feel the need to hurt... to
cause the pain to myself... to open the
razor and take out the blade to
open the flesh...
to watch the blood well out... keeping
my feelings in check because I am numb
already.... and as I pass the blade over again and again...
I still do not feel the pain... and it urges me
to cut deeper and deeper...
pulling out the life... draining the pain
from my body so my soul can finally soar....
I feel so out of it
a session of remembering
a session of memories...
of hiding....
yes, we hid today....
no closets, ne bed, but we still hid
then there were the voices
screaming... yelling at me
needs, for self destruction
to cut... to harm... to add physical pain
to the emotional kind-
we cried today...
deep wrenching sobs that broke our
spirit-
and we called your name
but you werent listening....
that is our salvation....
the memories were of your touches
of the feelings of "love" and lust that
kept alive all those years....
and the pain...
your hands hurting
your mouth tasting, biting, yelling
and telling me you love me....
your grown-man's body on top of
the child...
what did I do wrong.....
